Tuesday, September 13, 2011

On having a miscarriage

I've debated all morning about writing this post. At first I thought it might be helpful even healing, then I thought, "that's stupid, no one needs to hear every nitty gritty detail" and then I realized the only thing holding me back from sharing is fear. And I'm tired of being fearful and feeling like I'm alone in this. If you're here for a design related post, please come back tomorrow.

So here's our story, but it begins a couple of years ago. It begins with two people so in love and a conversation that went something like this: "I really want to have kids. Do you? Yes, of course. Do you want to maybe not try to try but be open to the possibility? Gamble with fate for a little while? Yes, let's do it, but we won't really be trying, we'll just be not trying."

That was two years ago and a year after "not trying but kind of sort of trying" I went to the doctor and explained that I was a little concerned that after a year of unprotected sex, we hadn't gotten pregnant. My doctor at the time said, "well, maybe you should 'try' to do it at the right time. I wouldn't worry until you have been timing intercourse properly for a while."

Fast forward another year. Now I'm starting to get a little worried. "Not trying but kind of trying" has turned into charting my temps every morning, getting to know my cervical mucus better than anyone probably should, peeing on sticks mid month for ovulation hormones, peeing on sticks at the end of the month for pregnancy hormones. A lot of peeing on sticks and a lot of worry. Before leaving Athens, I went to my doctor and explained my concerns...again. This time she suggested it was time for fertility testing (not exactly what you want to hear at 28 years old) but I had read enough to know that we were having problems. The question is, what kind of problems and how far are we willing to go to get pregnant?

So that brings us to present day and imagine my surprise when we had a positive pregnancy test last week. And by positive pregnancy test, I mean a dozen or so positive tests taken over a four day period, different types, different brands, different times of day. All positive. Can you imagine our excitement? We were so happy. I started a pregnancy journal right away, I made a list of 'must have' maternity clothes for the winter, I bought and started reading What to Expect When Your Expecting, What to Eat When Your Expecting, What to Expect the Baby's First Year among other books. We called our closest family and a couple of our best friends and announced the good news (I've never heard my sister scream so loud). I made an appointment with the birthing center (for today actually) and was planning on attending a doula meeting. I started a regiment of pre-natal vitamins and DHA. I paid close attention to every symptom. High temps on the chart? Check. Sore boobs? Check. Upset tummy? Check. Missed  period. Check. Frequent peeing? Check. Pure joy? Double check.

And then the day before yesterday I noticed a little spotting. I also noticed that my temp that morning had dropped a bit. I called a friend for reassurance, consulted a couple of books and reassured myself that everything was OK. Besides, we had been trying for so long and we wanted this baby so badly so surely everything would be fine. Surely.

Yesterday morning my temp had dropped even lower and I started cramping so to reassure myself, I decided to buy a pregnancy test just to make sure things were ok. I decided on a digital test this time because I knew seeing the words "PREGNANT" instead of a silly line would make feel better. Instead, all I saw was a big, giant, heart breaking "NOT PREGNANT." And that's when I knew. I was having a chemical pregnancy, or in other words, an early miscarriage. A chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage that occurs prior to the embryo's development of a heartbeat (at which point the embryo becomes a fetus). Early miscarriages happen in 50-60% of first time pregnancies and because they occur so early, many women don't even realize they're having a miscarriage. All of that to say, that early pregnancy loss is incredibly common. But frankly, does something being common make it any less painful? Car accidents are common. Does that make dealing with them any easier?

So I panicked. And I was alone. B was at work an hour away and I didn't know what to. I called my sister who happened to be in a meeting and she saw my name come up and knew something was wrong (twins are funny like that). I could barely speak through my sobbing and she excused herself from the meeting. She cried with me and then told me to call a doctor. The only problem is that we just moved to a strange place where I don't have a doctor or a support system in place. I had never felt so alone before. I called my doctor in Athens who told me to start calling OBGYN practices and try to get an appointment immediately. I could barely talk on the phone I was so upset but I called. And called. And begged. Finally a nurse spoke to me and told me to go to the ER. She asked me, "Do you have someone that can drive you?" And I said, "No, I don't have anyone!" B was an hour away working on site and didn't have his car with him. She said, "Drive slowly and be careful." I didn't know what do but I remembered my nice neighbors that we had dinner with a couple of times. I called them and asked them if they could take me to the hospital. They were at my house before I could even finish my sentence. The cramps were getting worse and although I knew there was probably nothing anyone could do for me or my baby (and yes, I realize the "baby" was only a group of dividing cells at this point, but this was MY baby, MY group of cells, MY future child) but I hoped beyond hope that something could be done.

But nothing could stop the inevitable. We sat in the waiting room for two hours. My neighbor sat with me while her husband drove an hour to pick up B who was anxiously trying to get to me. I cried to the registration people at the hospital. I told them that I didn't want to miscarry in the waiting room, I wanted to go home and why weren't they doing something faster? I think I was hysterical with hormones and a broken heart. I made a fool of myself. I have never felt so humiliated. I'm not one to cry in public, I always thought I had more dignity, more pride than that. It didn't matter though. In that moment I cried without shame for the loss of our baby.

Finally, finally B arrived at the hospital and held me as I cried. My eyes were almost swollen shut at this point. We were brought back to see the doctor who callously told me that I was no longer pregnant. Perhaps I had tested "wrong." Maybe I had a "faulty batch of pregnancy tests." I lost any composure I had left in that moment. I told him there was no way I had tested "wrong". I brought my chart with me that he didn't want to see it.  He made me feel stupid and small and worse, he made feel that I had no reason to be upset. He told B and I after a grueling physical exam that we should see a fertility specialist. He told me he wasn't trying to "upset" me but that my blood test had only shown an HCG level of "3" which was not enough to sustain a pregnancy. He then told me he needed to do a sonogram and without asking, the nurse pulled out a catheter and said, "have you ever had a catheter before?" Why yes, you unfriendly bitch. I have had a catheter before and there is no way in hell that I'm going through that, and for what? The doctor looked annoyed and explained that they had to make sure it wasn't a tubal pregnancy. That it could be life threatening and they needed to do further tests. I was blabbering at this point. Totally incomprehensible. I couldn't speak, I was so furious. At this point, B threw them both out of the room and told them he needed to talk to me. He came over to where I lay, grabbed my hand and told me kindly, "you are a strong woman and that guy is a total dick. You have to hold it together for a just a little while to get through this. We will not do any tests you are not comfortable doing. Remember, you are a strong woman." The nurse came back in and I told her they could do a sonogram but no catheter. The doctor acquiesced and decided he could do a vaginal sonogram which doesn't require the bladder being full. Thankfully it was not a tubal pregnancy. The miscarriage would occur naturally. The doctor wrote me a prescription for Vicodin (seriously?) and without smiling and offering no comfort, told B and I that we could probably have a healthy baby in the future.

A woman from the midwifery birthing center called me while we were awaiting test results at the hospital. I told her we had lost the baby and I wouldn't need to tour the center after all. She was so kind and her voice so soothing. There was just something about her that calmed me. It's as though she instantly understood. She offered me something the doctor couldn't. Sympathy. In that moment, listening to her voice, I knew it was going to be OK.

It was a long night last night and it's been a long morning. B hid all of the pregnancy books in the house so I wouldn't have to look at them. My eyes are still swollen and my voice raw from crying. I'm really not sure where we'll go from here. Right now, I'm just trying to feel this. To grieve and be sad and to be ok with my hurting, aching body. I know we'll try again. I'm going to seek out a good doctor, one who's understanding and cares about the loss of even a 5 week pregnancy. Even though, at times, I feel terribly alone in my grief, I know I'm not alone. I know that so many women have struggled through infertility and miscarriages and loss. I'm writing this because if you're one those women, I hope you know you're not alone either. There's strength in togetherness, in womanhood, in sharing our stories. There's strength in hope, even in the midst of pain and sadness. There's strength in knowing that we will be parents one day, even if it doesn't go exactly as planned. I take comfort in the love and support of our family, friends, awesome neighbors and in the love that B and I have for each other. For now, it's enough. It has to be enough.

92 comments:

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I have been at that place before. I am so sorry.

November Grey said...

My heart is with you. Hang on. xx

avant garde design said...

holy cow. i've not had a miscarriage but i have had doctor's like that and remember you are the patient. when you do get pregnant again, and you WILL, shop around and you'll find someone, like the woman on the phone, who you are instantly comfortable with. i'm thinking of you...

Lenore @ Lather. Write. Repeat. said...

Oh what a horrible thing you are going through, thanks for being brave enough to share your story. I'm sure many women have gone through it or are going through it and don't have anyone to relate to. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts...

XO
Lenore

Shabbily By The Sea said...

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your baby and the way you were treated in the hospital..i have been there with both my sisters and my best friend and one thing i learned is it doesn't matter if you are 5 weeks or full term the pain isn't any different it is still your child,your hopes,you dreams that have been cruelly snatched away from you,grieve as long as you need to,there are no rights and no wrongs,your baby....your grieve.
I am saying a prayer for your broken heart,love to you and B xxx

banclothing said...

Thanks for posting, totally made me tear up. I know a lot of people who had miscarriages with their first pregnancy. Actually my sister in law just had one while trying for their third. The sweetest thing is that B hid the books, so thoughtful.

Leslie Coxon said...

I am so sorry for your loss...your post broke my heart. One of my best friends went thru this at the beginning of the year. Thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time!

jillian :: cornflake dreams. said...

thank you so much for sharing your story. i can only imagine how hard it was to relive everything and put it down in words. i am at work right now fighting back the tears. i cant imagine how heartbroken you must feel. this is one of my biggest fears and i worry about not being able to get pregnant in the future. but PLEASE please please stay optimistic and positive. you will find a good doctor who is understanding and kind. and remember there are so many alternatives if for some reason you are not able to get pregnant. i have an aunt who was a surrageant mother for her brother's wife who could not carry a child. and another aunt who has adopted four beautiful happy children and has given them a home. best of luck for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. xo

Paige @ Little White Chapel said...

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second of all, I'm sorry that your doctor was such a dickbag. I hate it when health professionals skip right over the compassion and act like we're all being "silly women."

fabulousmrsg said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I shared a similar experience in January with a chemical pregnancy and have a sense of the grief and heartache that comes along with it. I am wishing you strength in this time and that your dreams of becoming a mom come true soon.

Michelle @ Sweet Something Design said...

I don't think I've ever commented before, but I have to because I can feel your pain. I have not only had two miscarriages, I remember laying there on the table and the nurse briskly leaving the room to get the dr...I should have know why.... but even more recently felt completely traumatized by the treatment of drs. and nurses in ICU (during a recent surgery). I'm sorry about your loss and your treatment at the ER. My heart goes out to you and B.

P.S. I have two beautiful boys, don't give up! :)

Emikos Werid Unexplained thoughts said...

I understand how you feel, people can be very inconsiderate. Please know that before you know it you will be blogging about how far along you are! Good things happen to wonderful people and you are a twin so you have double happiness!

off switch said...

i can't imagine how hard this experience has been. but i thank you for sharing...and i'm praying for you and b. xo.

melifaif said...

Oh my sweet child....I ache for your loss. Your child. Please know I am praying for your comfort, for your understanding, and for your future. Much love and many blessings to you. You are so strong for sharing this.

patrice said...

I am so very sorry for your loss... It is so amazing how bad this hurts deep within your heart. Nothing makes you feel better. People say that "oh you will have another baby"..... I remember screaming in my head.... I don't want another baby...... I want this one.... You have so many people that will be lifting you up with prayer and good thoughts. I must tell you, knowing that we are all very different.... I had 2 beautiful boys after my heart breaking loss. You are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your loss with us. Take good care of yourself, and be gentle with your heart. You are loved.

Rhianne said...

Oh love, I'm so so sorry for your loss and your terrible experience, I wouldn't have been composed either and you are a strong woman. my thoughts are with you and B x

Sarah said...

What a difficult thing to go through. I'm sorry for you both. Of course it's heartbreaking and that's okay. Let yourself grieve the way you need to and let the positive love in your life comfort you. And don't give up hope. You are amazing and strong, just like your husband said.

Claire Kiefer said...

I'm going to email you. In the meantime, I'm sending you so much love.

flynn said...

I can't say how sorry I am.

You're very strong and very brave for talking about this in a public forum. So many women miscarry and no one talks about it, and I think this really makes it so much harder.

The women go through this heart-breaking experience and then tend to feel alone and like they must have done something wrong; that their action/inaction is responsible because they think it's uncommon. Posting this won't make the sadness less for the next woman, but I think it will help her to understand her feelings, and to cope.

You will be a wonderful, wonderful mother.

Nancy said...

I am so very sorry that you had to go through this experience. I'm so sorry. And you husband was AMAZING in taking care of you. I haven't been through your experience, but I have been through a version of his, where I had to advocate for my seriously ill husband in an emergency situation. Some people in that position fall apart. I didn't. And your husband didn't. You and very strong, and you have a strong partner who will be with you every step of the way on you journey. Take heart in that, if you can, and know that you have many people in your life who will support you. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you while you cry. I'm glad you realize you need that time. Wishing you health, healing, and strength.

lisaroyhandbags said...

My heart goes out to you both. Try to hang in there - I know how difficult it must have been to share your story. Big hugs xo

laurel said...

i'm so sorry christina, you'll be in my thoughts.

Munimma said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is almost like reading a page off my own book. It sounds so familiar. Been there, done that and cried my heart out. So I know exactly what you are going through. There will be a lot of pain and heartache in the next few months. But hopefully it shall come to pass. Reach out to people, and heal your heart.

I changed doctors and went to a fertility specialist after a few months. I am so thankful for that. I hope you get to where I am now, 14 years later.

The Makeup Dolls said...

I am so sorry for your loss and it is just that, a loss at 5 weeks or any week! I wish you the best, you are in my thoughts.

Brittan said...

i am so, so sorry that you have had to go through this and to make things worse to have such an awful doctor in your time of emergency! this may sound weird, but this post is so well written, it is both strong (like your b told you you are) and so sensitive, thank you for sharing... i hope that you find peace in your heart, i am sending you lots of healing thoughts :)

mustang said...

Like everyone has said, I am so sorry for your loss and the way you were treated. Perhaps you could call the lady at the birthing center and ask for some doctor recommendations. That doctor should be slapped.

You and B are both amazing people. You will get through this.

Tiffany said...

I too know what this loss feels like. I am so sorry that you are in an unknown place and not near more loved ones. My Mr. And I tried for a while only to loose the baby. Then we tried for a year more before getting pregnant again. We know have two lovely little ones 17 months apart. This will happen for you! We chose midwives for our prenatal and delivery. For many of the reasons you stated. Again. I am so sorry. I know we don't know one another but if I could I would give you a big hug. :)

Alli said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We suffered a miscarriage in May & it is awful. I'm so sorry the hospital staff treated you so badly. I've been there, crying my eyes out & all you need is a sympathetic ear, not some horrible dick. It's really, really hard, but don't give up xx

Anonymous said...

Now you're making me cry in public reading this! I'm so sorry you and your husband had to go through that. I'm sorry you lost your baby. I wish only the best for you moving forward--I hope you have a time of healing, renewal, and intimacy with one another. Then, when you are ready, I hope you have an easy, joyous pregnancy.

Lora said...

i am so sorry, christina. i will be praying for you. take care, lora

Carly Bradshaw said...

wow. my heart goes out to you in this tough time. i don't even know you, but I will be praying for you, your husband and your family. i believe life starts at conception, so i understand why you would feel the way you do. while i have not gone through this, your story has impacted me. thank you for sharing, being real and raw, and for speaking truth and hope into the world through this.

Very Shiny Taste said...

I was there last January. My NP told me to wait one month before trying again (it was early. I had only known for 2 weeks). It worked! Something about your body still thinking you're pregnant that helps you conceive again. Mentally if you're ready keep trying...you are definitely in my thoughts.

amy good house said...

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear about your experience. I almost burst into tears when I read the part about your neighbors running over to help you. I'm so glad for you that they were there to help you that day. It really sucks that you had to deal with such an ass at such a sad moment. It really makes me so angry to hear stories like this.

If you haven't already, maybe talk to the kind lady at the birthing center - she might be able to recommend a like-minded doctor who you can go to in the future.

And thank you for sharing your thoughts. Put yourself first and if you want to feel sad for a while, you can feel sad. It's ok. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Yo and your B have been through a physical, mental, emotional trauma. Take your time to heal the way you want to heal.

Sending good vibes your way.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing - it means more than you know!

Christina said...

Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine the pain you feel but my thoughts are with you.

Heather K said...

Thank you for sharing your story. As I read your post I kept thinking it was my story. We had just moved to Landstuhl Germany because my husband was in the army. I miscarried once before. I found out I had been pregnant and miscarried at the same time. 6 months later I became pregnant again. The doctors there wouldn't see you until you were at 12 wks. I had an appointment on a Monday. Saturday night my husband rushed me to the ER. I sat in the waiting room for almost 3 hours. My husband finally through a fit and they put me in a room. The doctor on call finally came in and examined me and told me that I had lost the baby. He continued to tellme not to be upset, it was very common. After throwing a huge fit (tears and yelling) because I wanted to know what was wrong with me. The next day I had a medical procedure done so that they could clean everything out and tested. It wasnt common of me, it wasnt an everytday occurance. the doctors were such asses. I mourned without family and friends and felt that it was my fault. It took a while to try again. Now I have a 11yr old and a 3 1/2 yr old. May God bless and keep you and your husband.
Heather

Kit said...

That was such a brave post and I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not been through anything close to this, but I've dealt with crass healthcare professionals and can understand that horrible feeling of feeling so small for rightly being worried. I hope the pain gets easier to handle and best of luck for the future.

Mikaela said...

I am so so sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through this, and I'm sorry the medical staff you had to deal with were such assholes.

I'm glad your neighbours were o awesome. I'm glad B could get back to comfort you. I'm glad the midwife was able to soothe your soul, if only a little.

I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It then took a long time (in my mind) to get pregnant again, but more than a year after the first attempt, we're close to having our first baby.

I wish you all the luck in the world, once you are ready to get back on the horse, so to speak.

http://www.quantumphysiques.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/If-Plan-A-doesnt-work.jpg

xxx

Beach House Living said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Loss deserves compassion and that was lacking for you which isn't right.

Your post is very brave! Sending good thoughts your way.

C. said...

Hugs for you. I had a missed miscarriage in August (where your body thinks the baby is okay so it doesn't get rid of it naturally)- I was meant to be 8 weeks, but it had stopped developing at 6. Seeing that sonogram with no little heartbeat is something I will never, ever forget. It was, and is, completely heartbreaking. No matter how far along you are, it is the 'future child' you are mourning, and no-one should ever be able to disregard how important those hopes and dreams are. A month on, I feel much better, though the awfulness is something that will stay with me, I think. Many wishes for another pregnancy soon- a beautiful, healthy one. Thank you so much for sharing- it is such an isolating experience made all the more bareable by people sharing their stories.
xx

C. said...

Hugs for you. I had a missed miscarriage in August (where your body thinks the baby is okay so it doesn't get rid of it naturally)- I was meant to be 8 weeks, but it had stopped developing at 6. Seeing that sonogram with no little heartbeat is something I will never, ever forget. It was, and is, completely heartbreaking. No matter how far along you are, it is the 'future child' you are mourning, and no-one should ever be able to disregard how important those hopes and dreams are. A month on, I feel much better, though the awfulness is something that will stay with me, I think. Many wishes for another pregnancy soon- a beautiful, healthy one. Thank you so much for sharing- it is such an isolating experience made all the more bareable by people sharing their stories.
xx

Sarah said...

I just started a blog to write about this journey of trying to become pregnant. It's funny...when you start "trying" you think it will just kind of happen...and don't realize the actual planning that needs to go into it.... our "casual trying" also turned into charting, etc. Then we learned we were pregnant the first month! We were over the moon! After two days of pure bliss....the symptoms started going away...then spotting...then bleeding. I called the birthing center and they also recommended an OB for an ultrasound to rule out tubal pregnancy. And although not as cold and mean as your MD sounded, he told me to look at it as simply a late period...which is so very hard when you were planning your life with a baby even a 5 week baby. I guess just sharing to know you are not alone...and I am very sorry for your loss. We are trying to conceive again.... and I am hopeful, sad at times still, but hopeful.

kakpik said...

At the beginning of the year, I went through the same thing. And where I live, the hospital is ridiculously horrible and all the doctors care about is a paycheck. They put me through unnecessary exams, and showed me no sympathy. I was heartbroken, and blamed myself for a long time. But with the help of my husband, I got through it and I know it's not my fault now. Things like this just happen, they are so sad and so heartbreaking, but they just happen. Cruel things always happen to good people. And I am so terribly sorry you had to go through this, but I know that you will get through this and you will be stronger for it.

sécia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that this is not uncommon and that there is a plan for everyone. I'll say a prayer for you.

♥ sécia
www.petiteinsanities.blogspot.com

Krystal Kerr said...

Oh Christina, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you darling!

michelle said...

I'm so proud of you for posting this! Wish I could be there with you, but you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm just on the other end of the phone. Love you!

MrsKinne said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. It was really brave of you to share your story, and I will send lots of positive thoughts your way.

Also, we are currently struggling with infertility, and it just plain sucks.

Ashley said...

Im sorry. You are not alone, my friend. Do not lose hope, there is a perfect child that God has for you. Take care,
Ashley

Susanne said...

Thank you for sharing your story.

Valerie@DesignCaller said...

Christina,to share this sad experience took courage. And of course, sharing does help with healing...As smart as you are, you know that you are not alone! You know all the "correct" answers, But pregnancy - each one - is a unique, personal experience. Perhaps there is a private place inside of you, where you had already bonded with your child-to-be. I miscarried twice,at 3 weeks and at 9 weeks. And I had BONDED, at least with a dream, if not more. Many years down the road, I still wonder about the "reality" vs. the fantasy of that bonding. Who knows? Anyway, after the grief -- which you are FULLY entitled to -- begins to subside a bit, I strongly suggest you do something in memory of that Dream Child who never made it. A donation to a camp for special needs children,(which is what I did: "In Loving Memory of Baby Kilpatrick") for example. It is amazing how that kind of acknowledgment brought me some sort of peace. 4 healthy children later, I have the PRIVILEGE and LUXURY of complaining that sometimes they drive me nuts. Of course intellectually you know you will get through this and become a Mommy. Believe it. You will.
BIG Hug --
Valerie

HeatherLovesClay said...

I don't comment on blogs very often, but your story means a lot to me. I want to extend my deepest sympathies to you.

A few years ago, we tested positive (on multiple pee sticks) but at 12 weeks found out it was in fact a molar pregnancy. It was heartbreaking. Going from the doctor's office to the radiologist to find out why there wasn't a heartbeat was terrifying. I could barely make it back up the stairs to the doctor's office. I collapsed in a crumbled mess on the floor.

When I told my mom about what had happened, she said, "Heather, that just sucks. There isn't any other word for it. It sucks. I am so sorry." This is coming from a woman who has never used the word "sucks" in her life.

Six months later, I got pregnant again and miscarried a couple weeks later. We kept that one to ourselves, prentending that it made things easier. It doesn't. Like my mom said, it just sucks.

Another few months later, we got pregnant again. It finally worked and we have a sweet little toddler now.

We have started to try again, and have already had another unsuccessful pregnancy. Even though I don't know you at all, I want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I have lived it. And it does suck.

Gretchen said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this and was glad to hear that you finally found someone who was understanding and sympathetic. I am praying for you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry.

shadylanestyle said...

I suffered many years of fertility and found myself unexpectedly pregnant naturally. I was eight weeks along and miscarried two days later. It was such a rollercoaster those three days. I too had an uncaring ER doctor that shattered my spirit. I now have a six year old daughter. You will have your family, there are so many ways. I am so sorry for your loss but Please hold on to hope!

Natalie said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Christina. You are an inspiration to me (and many others, too!) for so many reasons, but sharing this story with the world is brave, and I admire you for being so honest. Sending a big hug your way.

Elizabeth said...

This just brought tears to my eyes. B is right, you ARE a strong woman, especially for sharing your story. xoxo, E

elise said...

so sorry. thank you so much for sharing your story. knowing you're not alone is a strength and a comfort though(even though it still sucks).

justagirlLaura said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing your story; your courage is inspiring.

Tina said...

I just started reading your blog and this post really caught my attention. I am 33 and have a 2-yr old son. I had 3 miscarriages before him. The first one was right around 5 weeks, the 2nd one was at 10 weeks and needed a D&C surgery, and the last one was at around 5 weeks.

I am so sorry that your doctor was so awful. Some doctors are so clinical that they forget about emotions. I'm glad your neighbor was there for you, and of course, your husband.

I found out after my miscarriages that so many people I know and work with have also had a miscarriage. It is heartbreaking and so hard, but you are definitely not alone in this. Thank you for sharing your story.

Abbie said...

Oh... my heart breaks for you. Those feelings are still so fresh in my mind even after nearly two years. Remember that your emotions are natural, and you're right... you're not alone! I still tear up thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking. So glad you had sweet neighbors and a thoughtful husband (hiding the books!) to take care of you. XO

Gemheaven said...

I'm so sorry ~ I have been there and my heart cried for you. Your husband sounds a keeper ~ take care of yourself and him xxx

herecomesthesun said...

I cried the whole way through reading that. I am so so so sorry hun, I can't even imagine that level of pain. I wish there was something I could do or say but nothing feels adequate, just know that we're all thinking of you and if I could hug you I would!

Fernanda E. Herrmann said...

Hope you feeling better today. :)

coley said...

i am so sorry to hear this story. i know as women, we always fear if our bodies will allow us to have children or not, but thankfully there are so many ways to work with professionals to get assistance. i will be thinking of you and crossing every finger and toe. in the meantime, try to think about the amazing things in your life today and what will come, not the past and current losses. your day will come! ♥

Callie Grayson said...

I am so sad right now for your lost and heartbreak. I am holding back tears just thinking how sad you and B are at this very moment. I have positive and healthy thoughts for you that you heal and know that you have people all around you that love and support you through this difficult time.
It really bothers me that there are doctors out there with no bedside manner and are cold to what a person is going through.
I hope you do find a doctor that is more caring. I am happy that the midwife was there for you, even though only on the phone.... she made you feel much better. They are most always more in tune with the patient.

I will be sending positive thoughts to you and B. You will, WILL be a mom very soon!! I know it.
xx
callie

Rebecca said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Nine months ago I miscarried at 19 weeks and it was devastating. I feel your pain and am praying for your healing. Remember your husbands words to you, "You are a strong woman!"

Tucker said...

God bless you. for writing this, for your honesty. I'll be praying for you & B!

Lesley said...

Although I have never experienced this, I know so many people who have. I am so sorry that your doctor was so horrible (the words I really want to use here I can't!!) You ARE a strong woman! Saying this is common and happens to couples frequently is not going to make you feel better, but I do know that mostly all of the people that I know who have experienced this got pregnant again soon after and delivered healthy babies, and then got pregnant again!

Natalie said...

:( super sad to hear about your loss, stay strong!

jennifer ▲ i art u said...

i cried while reading this and haven't stopped thinking of you and b, christina. know that you are loved and supported.
xoxo
j.

Amy - Thank You Cards Shop said...

Christina - I don't know what to say (crying right now). But, please - just know that my heart goes out to you as I'm sure so many others do. You and B are loved and there are a lot of people thinking about you and wishing you well and praying for you right now. Hugs and more hugs.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. It is hard to eat the dish served. Sometimes it just sucks. I was served both sorrow & joy, and it went something like this:
Miscarriage
Birth (boy)
Miscarriage
Birth (girl)
Stillborn 22 weeks
Birth (girl)
Birth (girl)
Miscarriage

Yes, today your story is heartbreak. It will not always be that way. Keep looking up.

Kimberly

BrigittaR said...

I think all these comments show you just how much you are not alone. Thinking of you x

jdavissquared said...

Praying for you...

hilary b. said...

Thank you for sharing your story; I'm glad you went ahead and decided to do it. I am sorry that you and B have lost your first baby. You are so right that it is okay to allow yourself to feel and grieve. I have not lost a baby, but had the experience of losing someone unexpectedly; what despair! I like the idea that someone else had to do something special in memory of your baby. Some cemetaries even have a large wall where you can have your baby's name (even just baby Smith) engraved. I also wanted to share with you that one of my best friends had 2 miscarriages after which they found she didn't produce enough of the hormone to produce a fully mature egg or sustain a pregnancy. Not sure if that's exactly your situation, but it sounds similar. Anyway, her treatment was simply taking supplemental hormones. Now she's 29 weeks and I am throwing her a baby shower in a few weeks. I say this only to offer hope. I know that there is nothing that can take the place of your first pregnancy or remove the pain of losing your first baby. Best wishes for the coming days, weeks, and months. I'll pray that God comes near to you both.

Jonna said...

so brave and so beautiful. thank you for sharing your heart. it brings women together. i'm at the end of year one with no pregnancy and starting the whole fertility testing regime. the reality of babies coming into this world really is a true miracle. one i hope we'll both be blessed with. best of luck to you hun.

robyn said...

(((Christina))) I think it was great that you shared your story. Thank you so much!

Katherine said...

I've never left a comment on a blog before but i felt compelled to write and say how sorry i am to hear about you miscarriage. I was crying reading your story and my thoughts are with you and your hubby. Thank you for being so honest and I look forward reading better news on your blog in the near future.

April said...

I'm so sorry for your loss that was compounded by a doctor with no compassion.

Tamara said...

I am just getting caught up on my google reader and I just saw this, and I am so sorry. I've been a reader for a while, and although I have not commented before I just wanted to let you know that you are an amazingly strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story. You are blessed to have a wonderful family that offers you support during this time.

Bromeliad said...

So sorry.

Wish I lived close by to:

-Take you out for a mocha whatacchino, and

-Kick the doctor

Christina said...

Oh gosh. I'm so so sorry that you did not have a sympathetic doctor. Or nurse.

I am so glad you have so many people around you to help you through though.

elizabethrose said...

i admire you a ridiculous amount. i have no idea what your going through but i wish you all the joy and love in the world. god only knows you deserve it. i hope everything goes well for you and B in the future and that you will always know that there are A LOT of people who support you through this. i may not know you but all my love to you both. <3 xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriage carries such a stigma in our society, which is unfortunate since as you say so many women (and men!) suffer this tragedy.

It is nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to keep secret! I didn't have the chance to announce my pregnancy before the subsequent loss (7 wks) and felt embarrassment over the enormity of my grief, as if losing a child at any stage is something that can be measured and compared. Yet I took comfort in reading about other women's experiences, and knowing that I was not alone.

I admire your courage in sharing your story. Know that although the pain of losing a child will never completely go away, your ability to cope with the loss will steadily improve with the help of supportive family and friends.

Kayla Poole said...

Oh Christina, I don't comment nearly as often as I should, but I needed to reach out now to offer a virtual hug. My heart is with you, friend.

Liz said...

Christina,

I just posted about this too, yesterday {Diana from ourcitylights}informed me you had written about yours and so I came looking. I cried when I read your story, just like I cried when I was writing mine. But I am also so proud. Because like you, I had been letting fear control my hand whenever my mouse hovered over the "Publish" button. Since posting my story I've had nothing but positive feedback and other women telling me they have been there and how it has helped them to see others talking about it. I guess that is the silver lining to all of this.

Thank you for sharing--I'm sorry you had to go through this. If you're interested in my story its here: http://srslyliz.com/a-story-with-no-happy-ending

Take care<3

Anonymous said...

Hi Christina,

I just discovered your lovely blog, and read your story. The same thing happened to me in my first pregnancy (though I had to do an abortion, because the baby didn't come out). Many people tried to make me feel better, but I remember mostly something that my doctor said - you will not be calmed until you will hold a baby in your hands. This is so true. And I have 2 healthy boys now. Please do not despair!

All the best,
Maya

Callie Grayson said...

I just wanted to say all will be okay, I have a good friend who went through all this too and she now has 2 beautiful boys! I can connect you two if you'd Ike to discuss doctors , procedures and how your going to feel while going through all this, I will email you later with more details of it all. It's always good to have support of other who have gone through this emotional time. I am happy that people are commenting about their experiences so you know your not alone:)
I am here for you Christina! You will have a baby very soon, I feel it.
Xx Callie

T.L. Holmes Williams said...

My friend read a post I just wrote on my blog, emailed me, and sent me a link to your post. I completely empathize with you...I had a miscarriage at around 7 weeks, and often get a similar "why so upset?" reaction. Know you are not alone.
Warm regards,
Tara

urbangipsy said...

You two are going to be fine , life will re arrange itself again and you will know happiness like no other. Hang in there sweet pea. xox :)

Jardzy said...

I pray God helps you with this.
You will have your baby some day, Im sure.
J

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